----------------15November2005 Berlin.
Spent the night alone here at the flat. Its been several days now since my birthday (yes coco is a scorpio!) It’s 11am and I have just gotten off the telephone with KB a faerie friend here in Berlin. Saw KB yesterday by chance at the Gym. Needless to say I was feeling FAT and a bit awkward. KB is absolutely gorgeous, inside and outside. Leni R would have casted him in her movies as he typifies on of the visual stereotypes of the handsome blond beefy German (perhaps ‘one of’ the stereotypes that has drawm me to this part of the world). He wasn’t as ‘pumped’ as I had seen him last, when his American muscle-buddy boyfriend was passing through town. They looked a bit silly to my eyes, these two huge muscle sex kittens. Its an obsession I cant easily relate to, being THAT huge- it looks,(and is) unnatural. But KB, at his non-pumped state, is absolutely butterfly enducing. I tried as hard as I could not to look at his nipples, clearly an active part of his sexlife. I tried to avoid looking at his normal yet ‘beefy’ cock and the carefully pruned hair surrounding it and his balls. I tried not to look at his bubble ass, less it effect me in an embarrassing way. The fact that he spent time grooming himself and seems to celebrate his body is completely a turn on. All that said, I must say I am not interested in having sex nor a relation of that sort with KB. He is a friend, a spiritual-faerie friend, a poz friend, a sexually open friend in a committed open relationship. My attraction, though sexual, is more complex and has also to do with certain undercurrents of his softspoken personality and his American trained ‘get-up-and-go’ attitude. Something I find so important and so stimulating.

In my many moments of isolation here in Germany I feel very crushed by my inability to communicate effectively and defend my territory as a human being contributing to this culture and in my small way the economy as an outsider. My social relations are curtailed by my limitations. Even in America these things can be daunting and here I feel like a child that could easily be devoured by evil doers (who exist in all cultures including here). I try to be as proactive as I can be with the courage I can muster. It is a difficult thing almost every day that I experience this unease which does not vanish from my mind. My boyfriend, who I like very much, oscillates with his support and remains a personal test for me here in Berlin. He is some 15plus years my junior, a fact that continues to unsettle me because of the discrepancy of our life experience. This is a fact that can not be altered. He has his own very strong character and is far more conservative than I would like all too often with many subjects and as part of the naïveté of his age assumes he understands most complex social things. His book knowledge is in fact extraordinary and yet it is unwise and foolish to assume that what one reads from reports magazines television is the sole truth that rules the world today. I find myself refraining from correcting these views too often as I don’t think it is fair to impose my views too strongly as I have never liked unnecessary conflict. We have an odd sexual pattern we have developed. On the outset of our relationship the sex was, for me, exploratory and on the edge of being kinky, this has unfortunately shifted and we have developed a pattern that grows less and less and less exploratory. I have taken on a passive role that deprives me of any shifting of roles between us- this has only had the effect to make me lust elsewhere – though I have not, to date, explored sexual relations outside our relationship 1on1 of 16months. This experience reinforces my ongoing interests to exist within a polyamorous and polyfidelious relationship where various shifting roles have a possibility to exist. I have confessed my interest to ‘top’ but he has voiced his disinterest or perhaps lack of enjoyment to ‘bottom’. I remember thinking; how sad to fuck someone who ‘allows’ himself to be fucked without desire. Oral sex is also no longer part of our repetoire. He prefers to be jacked off while reclining on his back with his hands tucked below his thighs. He doesn’t enjoy his nipples played with in any manner, a practice I have enjoyed in the past to give and to receive. Perhaps in summary I have begun to realize that there is an imbalance in our sexual life and that perhaps our relationship goals diverge as well. I have always had a desire to create a ‘home’ with my partner(s) and like a woman approaching non-childbearing age I have begun to panic because I am no longer 28years old. His vision of relationships extends itself to being apart in separate lives in separate apartments. He has been rather unforthcoming is satiating my interests to know of the details of his previous relationships (which I would and must view as one-sided by definition). So though we speak about many things and can speak for hours, I have begun to realize we are not speaking about the important things that engage our personal relationship.
At the moment there are many aspects that also lend comfort. It is undeniable that the warmth of each others bodies and the camaraderie we share has meaning for us both. I support his efforts and his goals whole heartedly. He has a very nice family and they have generous enough to have me in their home. But I ask myself in earnest and with fear what will this lead to if I have begun to compromise completely some basic platforms of my life. The home together with a partner(s), my interesting in Polyfidelity (which he views as multiples sex of which he is disinterested), living procactively to build together. It is with some fustration for him that I do not speak his native German- for that I am bothered as well- especially because we have never truly dialogued and thus there is an aspect of who he is-I have yet to completely experience after 16months of a fidelious relationship.

Well that’s a brief moment of allowing myself to be naked.