Yesterday(wednesday I went to see this film)the star Marcel Shlutt (sp?) was one of Daniel's models in this summer's pauckenschlag Zine. Franz had put me and the BF on the guest list to see it at Moviemento on Kottbusserdamm.
Nothing.
I called after the film ended, all the while thinking he would walk in.
But he didnt.
I went home and called him. nothing. I called his cell phone (business line) and left a message.
I went over to his place, nothing.
crawled into bed, there at his place.
7;15am the door opens, he enters- slips into the bathroom. stinking of smoke and alcohol he showers.
he puts on his pajamas and enters the bed.
I ask him what happened? he says he went out to get drunk.
He's sorry.
I asked him where? he said F3 (our Kreuzberg cruising sex bar, where we met in 2004).
I asked him how often was he getting drunk.
He says once a week.
I fall silent.
I could feel it so clearly last night as I lay nearly silent thinking of too many things I wanted to say. It's nearly 10pm and he has not called all day today wednesday. I am keeping anger at bay though I suspect he is fostering up his . I dont know and almost dont care.
I am 99% certain this 6year affair is over, for me.
Wednesday evening:
I had tried several times to make contact by telephone. Busy. By 9pm we were both trying to contact each other and he got through. I went over, with trepidation. I telephoned his bestfriend in Nurnberg to let him know this was about to happen (in the event that emotional support was needed). A very sweet man- he understood the situation completely-or as much as he could given the fragments of knowledge about our relationship.
It's now a day later after an emotionally exhausting number of hours "talking". We are officially (between us at least) separated as official BFs. He mentioned that he would have no jealousy issues what-so-ever with me having 'sex' with other men and that the idea that i would have another BF made him very very upset. Indeed this is a construction of understanding that i can understand but dont completely share. I stayed the night and we will make every effort to remain close and mutually supportive. I dont yet understand the nature of this challenge, for me nor for him.
I am deathly afraid of the alone-ness this presents at my doorstep, at my age.
He has resolved himself to never have another relationship again. this i believe is a premature and unnecessary position to anchor oneself onto.
I started this relationship at the age of 43 and it ends (as it were) at 50.
I am in part embittered by this fact of time and nature.
But 50 is not 70 and I therefore must grab onto what remains of the time I am allotted as a human being.
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