ACTIVITY MARKER

The last couple of days have been a blur of social obligations. Starting with a heart-circle of Eurofaeries here in Tiergarten. A small group of us sitting around chatting and then having some soups and sweets. I am still not comfortable with the fact that there are many people who eat sweets before they eat savory dishes. Its not particularly incorrect but oddly strange to me. perhaps it is cultural -I dont know (nor do I care). We gravitated to the interesting discussion of Gay/Lesbian Altersheim (Old people/retirement homes) where one does exist in Pankow Berlin but is limited to a floor of an existing Retirement home- a Ghetto floor perhaps but it is sad that in a city as large as Berlin that there should just be this one choice (though I suspect that other cities have none).
Next evening was a rather disappointing group exhibition that i accepted to participate in. Perhaps i am too polite-it does me no advantage neither from prestige nor from economy nor does it offer a platform that allows me to express to an audience that I am interested in speaking to. therefore a 100% waste of my time (and fortunately i told no one about it). I hate to sound so bitchy about such things but indeed it remains the fact. I went there with isabel (a good friend of Kai's) with whom I had a nice tea together at her chic small Mitte apartment (same block as jn.Marc/Chris's) second Mitte Building.
Then off to celebrate a friends Birthday dinner in P'berg (where I came without a gift unfortunately given my time and financial constraints). I met R some years ago through an old roommate and had no idea he wa as charming and open as he in fact is. I also had no idea that he was as open and experimental in his life. he had last summer gone to Folleterre and we coincidentally were in Paris att he same time and did a short running around (which included a Dalida exhibition at the Marie). I was surprised to hear that he had been part of the Tuntenhaus ensemble in its original Bulowstraße Schöneberg address in the 1980s- a man full of delightful surprises. We have discussed the possibility of massage exchanges as he, as I do, enjoy not only recieveing but also sharing this effort- a sentiment and desire one would hope to "naturally" have with a partner/BF/husband.

Yesterday's small sauna party was exactly that, small. The previous sauna party had been so large as to even alarm Hans and even myself. But this time given the late notice given and the amazing weather and that a number of people were in London, USA, Paris etc. many who may have wanted to attend merely could not. Thus I believe we were 8 rather than nearly 20 (personally I feel the more the merrier). Its always amusing to see the low level of affectionate interaction between sauna attendees. My goodness its getting warm and I am still looking fat (!!!) Ugh! though perhaps I have sufficient other things to be thinking about- My superficial exterior appearance none the less concerns me. Perhaps I will give myself the next 3 months to see what i can do. I am much more aware of my diet/food intake than ever before- but indeed I also know the draw and the addictive pull of chocolate, sugar, carbs ! its astounding and I can understand the pull that some junkies must have. fortunately the most horrid of junk-foods do not at all appeal to me- such as potato chips or candies. But none the less I will need to sustain a focus on body health (and beauty) the older I become.
This week two guys I know will "partner-up" (civil union or marriage) finally after so many years together. I am not sure of the subtext of their union- though I suspect it is related to business and "legal" protection-as they are not of the sorts one would imagine to be "married". But I am none the less a bit envious of this- I associate this with some level of comfort and protection which I lack in my life and relationship(s). In some ways it would be absurd to accept and cement the current details of my BF relationship as we slowly grow more and more apart as he recognizes the elements in his life that give him pleasure- which unfortunately do not coincide in a 1for1 with my own- this unfortunately also extends itself into the territories of our non-existing sexlife. Though I have not actively sought nor acted on any other affairs or situations it becomes clear after The previous Christmas's "surprise" (eMail fotos of him with a sexdate) that he sustains a stealth sexlife mixed with his step-by-step progressions of life and our (intimate yet non-sexual) friendship. I feel a need to question how "healthy" this rhythm may or may not be, it remains unclear.
The weather today is admirable and perhaps really may be a benchmark for the year as we transition from Winter to Spring. I am hoping to do some spring cleaning and the removal of these horrible plastic drop cloths now covering my only window for the past fall and winter- keeping precious warmth in my apartment while depriving me of the joy of "seeing" out and what little sunlight winter offers.