Today this produced the result that I forgot to place the waste water tube of the washing machine correctly in the sink- THUS raining down water onto my neighbors cooking in the restaurant downstairs.
I have tried to stay and sleep at the BFs apt this time around while he is in London visiting his friend(s).
His place is infinitely warmer and more comfortable than mine- though , like his previous apartment- there is no real corner or full comfort for me. I always feel like a visitor- whether he is there or not.
Making me sadder and more alienated was the discovery , whilst putting dishes away in the cubbards, was the BFs sex lubrication stash and several condoms provided from a Berlin sex cruising booth venue called Duplexx.
It makes me sad , very sad, and it makes me angry. Though I understand, and empathize, with the desire from Sex beyond a partnership-I only see as valid this beyond the mutual sexual satisfaction that SHOULD currently (but does not) exist between us. I see all of this as possible as an Extra.
Jealousy is not really the core sentiment- but feeling ignored (sexually), not feeling desired or cherished nor any interest in this part of my humanity- makes me feel abused and merely taking up space and filling in the mere "title" of partner/ BF etc.
UPDATE: 13 Feb.2009
just got off from chatting with the BF on GR. Pleasant chat- he's having a good time in London- He is museum-hopping with his friends -is what he tells me (I now naturally speculate about what is never mentioned). And so i dont mention having run into the left overs of his Berlin sexual activity- I am not sure it serves any productive purpose at the moment that either one of us can deal with.
UPDATE 23 FEB2009:
From the BF's Gayromeo Profile:
"Stockschwul und stolz darauf. Keine weiteren Fotos.
Kein langes hin und her. Tippe hier eh schon zuviel (für ein paar Freunde gilt das übrigens nicht).
Gerne treffen in der realen Welt - da bin ich dann auch sehr gesprächig (falls gewünscht).
Ganz hier unten versteckt ein paar persönliche Worte - soll ja nicht jeder sehen. Ich denke, man sieht, daß ich mich nicht gerne langweile - auch wenn das ab und an vorkommt. Man trifft mich sowohl nachts an der Bar - oder an schlimmeren Orten - als auch morgens im Museum. Allerdings kaum an 2 aufeinanderfolgenden Tagen... freundliches anchatten bleibt nicht unbeachtet!"
FROM MINE:
----11 interesting thoughts PLUS 4 :--
-Absolute submission can be a form of freedom.
-Men are not monogamous by nature (but fidelity is important).
-Monogamy & Fidelity are not the same
-Myths make reality more intelligible.
-The idea of revolution is an adolescent fantasy.
-Exceptional people deserve special concessions.
-There are no homosexuals, only homosexual acts.
-Humor is a form of release.
-The Perfect Time does not exist
-Chaos & Order are codependent concepts.
-Sex is sacred, share it. Dont confuse fantasy & fetish
-Diplomacy is a polite form of Blackmail
-We live in a world of greys but, unfortunately, the news is printed in Black & White
-Der Krieg ist die Fortsetzung der Diplomatie mit anderen Mitteln (War is the prolongation of diplomacy by other means)[Carl von Clausewitz]
-Not telling 100% truth is a "method" of telling LIES without feeling guilty (the "omission" of truth=Lies)
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