PET PEEVES No.1

(Stuff -with occasional notes-I had saved from the internet /some of which is NO LONGER Online)

VERSATILITY:
Going both ways? Men are considered versatile if they don’t limit themselves to either the top or bottom role when engaging in anal sex. Although some versatile men truly enjoy both roles equally, others may have a leaning toward either the top or bottom positions. These men define themselves as versatile tops or versatile bottoms. Generally, for example, a versatile bottom man may primarily prefer to bottom during anal sex, but also enjoys fucking his partner on occasion. As with much of sex, clear distinctions are difficult. Much of what happens hinges on the moment, the state of mind of the individual, his preference and taste.
Nobody knows why some men are inclined to be strict tops or bottoms while others enjoy anal sex both ways. Physiologically, the male body is built to get pleasure both from fucking and getting fucked. It’s not surprising that roughly sixty percent of men who engage in anal sex revel in both roles.
Versatility is enigmatic by its very nature. Some of us are more comfortable with clear and consistent self definitions and we expect the same of others. Versatility, however, is the very ability to be inconsistent and changeable. As we said above, topping and bottoming are different states of mind. A versatile man likes to shift between these two states of mind - sometimes even during the same sexual encounter. At the core of each versatile man is an ability to be flexible.
Some men say they prefer versatility because they like to take advantage of the whole range of pleasure gay male sexuality has to offer from mutual sucking (69) and rimming to flip flop fucking. Men in relationships say versatility helps them avoid patterns of power and subordination. Here's a beautiful atmospheric video of a classic "Flip-flop f*ck"


BOTTOMING:
Read this:?If you’re bottoming, or are thinking about bottoming, you probably know (or at least we hope you do) that getting fucked without a condom is the highest HIV risk activity there is. Even if your partner pulls out before he ejaculates, if he’s HIV infected, it’s very likely that you’ll get infected as well. (You know most men pre-cum and pre-cum carries as much HIV as regular cum.) If you’re both positive, chances are you’ll get re-infected with a different strain of the virus that may be resistant to the meds you’re on, or resistant to the drugs currently available. If he’s negative and you’re positive, raw fucking puts him at risk of getting infected even if he’s exclusively the top. The long and the short of it is, it’s absolutely careless and stupid to get fucked without a condom. Don’t do it. Under any circumstances. If he asks you, if he suggests it, if he demands it, the answer is NO. No exceptions. ?Now that that’s out of the way.....
The Pleasure of Bottoming:?Most bottoms will probably agree that getting ass fucked takes some getting used to. But after a little bit of practice you’ll probably start feeling sorry for all the guys who are missing out on the special pleasures of anal sexuality. Our asshole, as it were, is a sexual organ hidden from most of us most of our lives. When stimulated, the anal opening, the two sphincter muscles, your rectum and your prostate all contribute to the multi-leveled physiological pleasures of getting fucked. Additionally, bottom men experience a kind of vulnerabilty, an openness, and an intimacy specific to getting fucked which most men never experience in their lives.
The Psychology of Bottoming: Opening up?Although men who bottom must come to terms with society’s general assumption that a man who gets fucked is feminine and weak, most of us also realize that being in touch with the feminine aspect of our psyche is a positive thing. The ability to tap into our feminine side and all that entails - openness, vulnerability, compassion and a nurturing approach - is, in fact, a sign of strength and greater self confidence. This ability allows us a more complex, multi leveled experience of the world, our lives, and certainly of sex.
No one can deny that in a world where we habitually divide everything along the boundaries of masculine and feminine, getting fucked falls on the feminine side. Physiologically, when we tense up, when we’re controlling or angry, our anus tightens. When we relax our asshole to allow the insertion of a penis and take a position receptive to getting fucked, we are effectively “opening up,” and letting go of control. Many bottoms (and their top men) value the act of getting fucked as one of trust and intimacy. This ability to surrender and to open ourselves up physically and mentally to another man is a profound and meaningful aspect of bottoming. If you're not ready for such a deep level of vulnerability, or if you don't trust the guy you're with, you're probably going to tense up which is going to make the experience mentally and physically uncomfortable. In that case you should take it easy, maybe pull away and wait for another time.
The Mechanics of Bottoming:?One of the misconceptions about bottoming is that getting ass-fucked is painful. If you’re doing it right, bottoming should not hurt. The secrets to having a pain-free experience as a bottom are the ability to relax the sphincter, lots of lube, and a position that works comfortably for you. ?If you’re new to receptive anal sex, you might want to practice with a sex toy beforehand to get your asshole used to penetration. I you don’t have a sex toy and want to use something else, be careful. A cucumber is fine but many objects can be dangerous. Always remember to use a generous dollop of lube.
Relaxing the sphincter: A great way to get yourself relaxed and ready for penetration, is to have your partner stimulate your asshole with his finger. This can be an exciting aspect of foreplay which both partners can really enjoy together. Other techniques to get yourself ready for penetration are to take deep breaths as he SLOWLY inserts his penis, and to bear down as if you’re having a bowel movement while his cock slips inside your ass. If you’re inexperienced, TAKE YOUR TIME.
Finding the right position: Squatting position gives you the greatest degree of control. However, in this position you’ll also tend to tense up your sphincter so it’s not the best way to go if you’re a beginner. Every bottom needs to experiment to find out which positions work best. Some guys are uncomfortable with very deep penetration so the doggie style or the missionary might not work great for them. Communication with your partner, as always, is important. Try different things. Experiment. Let him know what works, what’s comfortable and what’s not.
Another misconception about bottoming is that a bottom man is passive. You should never assume that your top man wants you to lay back and let him do all the work. In fact, many top men appreciate a bottom who is active, playful, creative and verbal during anal sex. Taking the active approach while getting fucked can be a whole lot of fun. You can establish the position, you can push into your top man as he’s fucking you, you can contract and release your sphincter around his cock. squeeze his nippples (make sure he’s into that) kiss, ride his dick and talk dirty. Top men can really appreciate getting feedback while fucking. Tell him what you like and let him know how much pleasure he’s giving you. Be considerate, be generous, be eager to please him, and you’ll both have a great time.

TOPPING:
Safety first:?Everyone knows this but it bears repeating. The majority of HIV infections among gay men occurs during anal sex. Although tops are not as vulnerable as bottoms, tops can also get infected through unprotected anal fucking. Learn how to use a condom and always have several condoms on hand before fucking. Check out the safety section on this site to learn how to handle a condom.
The psychology of topping: Taking Charge?As gay men, most of us understand that topping, like much of sex, is about an attitude, an approach, or a state of mind. Traditionally we think of the top man as being largely in charge during sex. Although this is not always true, part of the fun of topping is that your approach can certainly dictate a particular scenario the sexual encounter might follow. Depending on your preference, your mood, or an agreement you and your bottom man have reached, you can take the gentle approach - during which the top guy is tender, nurturing, and is concerned more with pleasuring his bottom man rather than himself - or the rougher approach, where the top is more aggressive, perhaps even grabby, impersonal, or selfish. Both scenarios can be gratifying and fun for both partners. There are bottom men who can get into either or both, sometimes even during the same hot fuck session.
Whether you are rough or gentle, communication with your partner -before and during sex - is essential. Even if your bottom man enjoys some manhandling, nasty talk, grunting and heavy plowing, all rough play must be consensual. It’s always a good idea to have a verbal agreement about boundaries, but you should also be sensitive to any signals, verbal or otherwise, during sex. Relax if your partner is telling you it’s going too far. Pull back if he says he’s in pain, or if he seems uncomfortable.
Many gay men get off on the rough or gentle top identities and can plafully indulge in both roles. A gentle and caring attitude which creates closeness and intimacy can be very gratifying whereas the tougher, “manly” approach can be very hot. Taking charge can be very hot and empowering as long as you’re mindful and considerate.
Getting Turned On (Or not)?There is a false notion that getting and maintaining a good erection is an integral part of masculinity and potency. While most gay men feel less pressure to prove their masculinity than some heterosexual men, performance anxiety can rear its ugly head when a top guy finds himself in a situation where an erection is expected of him. Although we all know that most men experience this at one time or another in their lives, the inability to get an erection can sometimes be annoying or troubling. In most cases you’re not getting hard because you’re just not turned on. Maybe it’s the guy you’re with, maybe it’s the situation, maybe you’re not feeling great today. Open communication with your partner can often resolve this issue and relieve any pressure you might be feeling. The bottom line is, if you’re feeling pressure, there’s no reason you should feel the need to perform.
Some guys are not wild about the way a condom feels on their cocks. It's true that the condom can diminish sexual sensitivity. Slipping it on during a moment of passion can also be awkward. Go to the safety link on this site to read some tips about handling condoms.
If the problem persists, and you’re having trouble getting an erection regularly, there may be some physical reasons. It never hurts to see a physician and have a frank talk about the problem but there are other things you can do as well. If you're a smoker, stopping smoking could help. Excessive alcohol can also cause erectile problems. A good exercise regimen which includes cardio activity can be helfpul. A doctor can perscribe one of a slew of drugs on the market today that are very effective in curing erection disorders.
The Mechanics of Topping:?First rule is, anal penetration should not hurt. Second rule: Be generous with the lube. The primary reason for a bottom to experience pain during ass fucking is the inability to relax his anal muscles. His sphincter, right beneath the skin of his anus, is a voluntary muscle and can be released and contracted at will. If the bottom man is uncomfortable, mentally unprepared, or in a position that doesn’t allow his sphincter to relax, penetration will be painful. Men who are experienced with getting fucked can relax their sphincter more easily than beginners. Good lubrication will also help to make it a better experience for you both.
As a top man, you can help your partner relax his sphincter to allow easier and more pleasurable penetration. Many men who love topping find this to be an exciting aspect of foreplay. One of the ways to do this is stimulation of the anus before fucking. Your finger - or fingers - are the best tools to do this. The anus is extremely sensitive to touch. Using your fingers to stroke the anal orifice, caressing the rim, and gently inserting your finger once your bottom seems receptive, are the best ways to get your guy relaxed and prepared for fucking. Make sure your fingernails are trimmed and clean. If you’re into it, you might want to situate yourself so you can get a good look at your bottom’s hole. Some bottoms really get into having their hole watched and admired. Lube your finger and warm that hole up. Stimulate the rim in a circular motion. Watch your partner’s face as you do this and see how much pleasure you’re giving him. If you’re into rimming, go for it and make your partner moan with pleasure. Ask for feedback. Some men enjoy just the finger inside. Others enjoy a circular massage or an in and out motion. Experiment and see what your partner likes. If your partner seems relaxed, you can insert a second finger, and then a third. Again, ask for feedback. As you do this, you will soon feel his sphincter relax and open up, become more elastic. If he can take three fingers, he’s probably ready to take your cock. Acknowledge this with your partner. Tell him you think he’s ready and ask him if he feels that way too. If he says yes, SLIP ON THE CONDOM, and you’re pretty much ready to go.
If you’re with an inexperienced bottom, he might want to try the straddling position first, where he will have more control over the penetration. If so, let him do the work while you encourage him to take deep breaths and relax.
If your bottom guy is comfortable with any position and prefers you to be in charge, find the position that works best for you, making sure your partner’s comfortable too. There’s nothing worse for a bottom than to get fucked for a long time in an uncomfortable position. A good way to make sure you can aim right is to feel your partner’s asshole with your finger before you insert your cock. Once you do, position yourself and place your cockhead against his hole. Lube his hole and your cock. Instead of sliding it right in, you might want to tease the hole a little bit, to create anticipation and to make sure your bottom guy is ready. It’s also a good idea to tell him what you’re doing - or what you intend to do - at each point along the way. Tell him you’re going in and then gently pop the head of your cock in his anus. Check in with him to see how he’s doing. It will take a little bit of time for the bottom man to get used to your cock inside of him. DON’T RUSH. If you rush, he might close right up, and it will be more difficult to proceed. Slowly insert the rest of your cock, always making sure he’s okay. Once you’re in all the way, you might want to stay there for a bit, feel how his hole feels around your cock. Always feel free to verbally communicate with your partner and let him know what feels good.
Once your cock is all the way inside of him, and you’re both fine, you can begin the pumping motion. Slowly at first, always checking in with him. If he’s enjoying this, you can pick up speed. If you’ve done it right until this point, your partner should be ready and willing, and wanting some heavy plowing now.
Remember sex is about giving and receiving pleasure. As the top guy, you are more in charge, so take all the pleasure you want - as long as you keep your bottom man just as happy as yourself.